The pursuit of self-confidence

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To walk around with an ego is a bad thing. To have confidence in yourself is a great thing. -Fred Durst

Confidence:

  • the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust
  • the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.

  • a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.

Growing up I was very, VERY insecure. To kind of hide it, I portrayed myself as overly confident. Or I made silly jokes about things that I hated about myself, before someone else had the chance to do so. Clever, wasn’t it?!

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Just turned 9 years old. No idea of what was awaiting me the next year…

I remember looking at myself in the mirror sometimes, asking God to change me, or better, to take me…

I did not just wake up one day hating myself. No girl! A lot of things led to that loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, which in turn led me to a loss of self control, as I was looking for validation in men…

First step in the ladder of my then low self-esteem was when I was between the ages of 10 and 12. I was very tomboyish, yet quite girly, (weird combination, ain’t it?). I started having big breast very young, but my hips and derriere totally missed their invite to the party.

I was shaped like a upside down triangle, boy! No better, like spongebob 😀

To top it all up, my big nose and big lips where not proportionate with my acne covered face… And when my hormones hit, well, I did not smell very pleasant… No matter what I did the pimples would not leave me and the smell would come back strong every now and then. I constantly heard “you are shaped like a boy”, “when she will grow up she will be pretty”.

I eventually grew up and so did my sister. And that was step two of the ladder. Between 13 and 17 years old, I became a tiny bit more girly, started taking extra care of myself, and started taking interest in doing hair. I began to “embrace” my too athletic figure, too big breasts, and non-existent hips and butt. But I was still fighting acne, which was, however, less severe at that point. Also, the armpit odors became rare, but when they made an appearance, it was NOTICEABLE. Anywho, I started being “confident” (more like faking it), and just when I thought I had it all together, I started hearing “ woah she looks like her father” but in a way that was not really a compliment… I looked like a boy, a man! And then other comments came along, “your sister is prettier than you”, “you are shaped like a man”, “you have man hands”, “where is your missing tooth”, “your forehead is so huge” etc, etc.

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13 years old. A picture’s worth 1000 words…

I am sure that some of those people did not mean harm, and I also got quite some compliments, but these words resonated in my head so hard. So when I started gaining attention from men, I thought it was a good way to prove them, (the commentators), wrong and actually prove that I was pretty, attractive, feminine, and what not. The more

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18 years old, revealing clothes, makeup and seductress attitude did the trick.. 😦

men came my way, the more I gained false confidence and became borderline conceited, arrogant and seductress. Fast-forward to ages 18 to 21, I started to accept myself, but love would’ve been an overstatement; I did not love myself just yet. Just when I was growing on the self-acceptance route, an incident occurred with my 2 best friends of the time. Peep this: I was 19 years old, we were in a hotel room getting ready for a pool party, the girls were sitting on the bed and I was in the bathroom, few centimeters away from them. I started hearing giggles and comments such as “oh my God it looks like a little child’s butt * giggles *,its not cute* giggles*. I ignored it, but I was crushed later on, when I found out that they snapped some pictures of my “childlike derriere” in unflattering positions, with my OWN camera. My already low self-esteem took a HIT! Back on the ground I was…

Bref! At 20 years old as you know I gave my life to Christ, and as I grew in him, I learned to accept myself again, a little bit more this time. I no longer pursued validation from men, friends, parents, siblings etc. At 21 years old, I wrote a post that expressed my feelings (you can find it on my Instagram: davina.pearl. Simply scroll through).

I finally was CONFIDENT, COMFORTABLE with the way GOD MADE ME. I finally loved myself FLAWS AND ALL. And today, at 24 years old, no other human being can make me feel ugly. I still do not have a big, round, juicy, bouncy, bootylicious buttocks, I still do not have colossal hips. (They grew a bit tho’ LOL). I still have gapped teeth, a big forehead, bags under my eyes and uneven skin tone. BUT I LOVE MY SELF. I carry myself with humility, yet, with a lot of CONFIDENCE. And that is because I know who and who’s I am! I still have my days where I look at myself in the mirror and I’m like: “oh my lenta, black-pearl do something bout these large pores”! But that does not push me into a man’s bed, or depression! #Confidence

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On my 24th birthday. Real smile + Real self-confidence
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24 years old and 1/2. Loving all of me, flaws and all.

I know that I am not the only one who went through this and some of you might even, until this day, be the girl I was at 17: faking to be confident when deep inside you feel so repelling. Princess, KNOWING GOD IS THE KEY. As you get to know him, HE MAKES YOU SEE YOURSELF AS HE SEES YOU. Remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Remember that ALL THINGS that he made are good/beautiful. Remember that you are royalty #DaughterOfTheKingOfkings…

I have never seen ugly royalty to be quite honest. Just like me, refuse to let the world dictate the standards, or shape the box in which you beauty should fit! Rebuke the Devil, do not let him feed you his lies. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL inside out! Carry yourself with confidence, dress well take care of you body and SLAY MY SISTER IN CHRIST. #SlaysterInChrist.

I hope this article, reminded you of how gorgeous you are on the inside and the outside. And I hope that these words helped rebuild your self-confidence. We are all beautiful d0308cc899d803a49fc9d633baa4ae68flowers in God’s garden 🙂

Be blessed,

#DaughterOfTheMostHigh ❤

 

4 thoughts on “The pursuit of self-confidence

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